October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I thought it appropriate to post #mystory which I shared initially a year ago on Facebook. This post is in no way humourous or anecdotal much like my other musings, but also not meant to make you feel uncomfortable. If talking about pregnancy or infant loss is difficult for you then please give this post a pass.

In November two years ago I was on my way out to work for a normal Friday at the office. I was 8 weeks pregnant and expecting to have my first scan soon. I put my hand on the door to leave and felt a gush of blood and trickling down my legs. With my heart racing I called my gynae, got in my car and drove to the hospital. Within half an hour I was shown a scan where there was no heartbeat, a hug from my doctor asking if I was okay and a wheelchair ride to reception to book into the hospital where I just burst into tears.

Within an hour I had a D&C and within four hours I was at home, with an empty uterus and cramps and a sadness unlike anything I had experienced before. I spent a week at home and told myself constantly that I was fine. But I wasn’t…it was not until I had a huge ugly cry (you know that one where your face goes red and your nose wrinkles and you can’t stop the crying and you hik hik cry? Ya that one!), I said goodbye to my baby and asked Allah to give me strength to overcome this, that I truly felt better. This was about a month later. A month of sadness and despair and feeling like I had done something wrong.

Too often when I tell another woman my story then the response, in hushed tones, is “I had a miscarriage too” coupled with sadness, occasionally tears and sometimes even shame.

Miscarriage happens. And we can say the word and not feel ashamed or guilty.

There is nothing wrong with me as a woman, person, soul, mother/mother-to-be.

Say the words and do not let its shadow own you.

I have been told of women losing babies at different weeks, many years ago or just recently. My own mother recalled her miscarriages with sadness even though it was more than 20 years ago. You never forget it seems…

I sometimes still think about it, but not with sadness. Rather with awe that Allah chose me to fall pregnant 3 times Alghamdullilah in spite of doctors telling me for 15 years that I would not have children due to PCOS.

So now, every little kick and every scan showing strong arms and legs and a pounding heartbeat, means so much more. I have life inside me, for the third time and not because I am better or I did something right. But because Allah has willed it to be so at this point in time. Alghamdullilah

To all the women I know, past present and future, to the women that are struggling to fall pregnant, the women that have had a miscarriage, the women who have laboured and had a stillbirth and especially to women I know who have gone through this; know that you are strong, that it is okay to cry and that you are worthy.

Your story is your power; tell it with pride.

Yours Truly…

Call me Nuz

#mystory #yourstory #miscarriage #rainbowbabies #pregnancy #miscarriageawareness #gonebutnotforgotten

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